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Not all scars show,
and not all wounds heal.
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 Profile
Sarah is constantly aggravated by a few choice people who decide that its okay and fun to never do their work and thus force it upon her.
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Abby :DAmanda Annamei Becca :D CA <3 Fum Ger Liau Jean :D Keri Laura Melody Rachel Rachy <3 2M 2009
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©Glamouresque. |
Saturday, July 30, 2011
timing is everything it is (technically, was) official. Thursday was the absolute worst day of my entire existence. not only did i have to make several(SEVERAL) detours to the washroom to drop off some timber, i had the worst cramps imaginable and even the comforting hot water bottle could do nothing but watch on helplessly as i squirmed around in my seat, desperate to find a bearable position to be in. Futile. Got home and wasted time tapping away on Devon(it was meant to pay homage to the phone cover at the time) while having cramps. Then, just as I was about to hold a beautiful, simple pity party for myself and the awful day i was having, a lizard fell from the sky and graced me with its presence by very discretely propping itself on my head. I figure that once it saw that beautiful, poop brown colour of my roots it was so stunned it immediately dropped to my feet in respect. I however, too stunned to think through the lizard's true intentions, scrambled to my feet, forgetting that my chair was NOT rooted to the ground, tried to use it as leverage to propel myself out of the room as quickly as possible and of course, failed. Then my father laughed at me for crying. And my mother scolded him. After that i realised i could use an upgrade and hold a full-sized pity party right in my own bedroom where i proceeded to cry myself to sleep in trauma and in pain. Childish. I know. These few days have (thankfully) been rather uneventful and I am glad. Oh, I did get a letter. Rejection. Yes. But it feels much better now. Thursday, July 28, 2011
uncanny ah, the sweet scent of rejection. no crisp, thin envelope. Nothing. They sent nothing but a typhoon of rejection to smack me right across my face. As if the unanswered phonecalls weren't bad enough. Busy, please hold. what makes things worse is that i'm not crying. i thought i would be. but strangely, strangely, i am not. This is a weird feeling. One with a 50% composition of haha-fyl, 10% i'm-an-idiot, 20% i'm-not-good-enough, and 20% thank-God. It is a very awkward, stand-still like feeling. Like turning away from reality and believing what might-have, could-have, should-have happened in a distant daydream. I don't like it. Moving forward with my life, trudging through the mindless(though ironically very carefully planned out) exploits of Stalin and Hitler, wondering how they could possibly be unaware that someday, they'd die lost, alone and soulless. But they are, after all humans by definition. Perhaps just lacking a wide spectrum of emotion and respect for others. Its sad. Scary. A bit twisted, feeling sympathy for murderers. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome. Wednesday, July 27, 2011
there is beauty though intrinsically hidden, it is still there. warm, mellow sunlight that kisses the tip of my nose and the top of my cheeks leave an undoubted mark of where it once was. It always shows up so quickly. The pinkish burn that indicates my ethnicity and the fact that why,yes, you should not be out in the sun for so long. I hate sunlight. But ironically, what i hate keeps and makes me feel alive. Like you know when you have a fresh bruise on your knee and your friend presses it so hard you want to cry? That feeling, that life. The feeling of a papercut in that minute space between your fingernail and finger. There's blood that rushes there. It means life. To be honest i'm very lost in life right now. Uncertain of where to go, what to do, how to go about doing things. I'm hopelessly lost. And i can't seem to translate anything onto this cruddy little space. Directionless. Pathless. And i refuse to be led. I don't know why I bother with this space anymore. It feels like home but not really. It shelters my thoughts but not really. it houses my insecurities, instabilities, immaturity and life. Must be tough to walk away from something like that. Abandoning my tumblr for the time being because i feel even more lost there. No emotions, no nothing. Detached. Spending time with yourself is scary. Everything you do comes to question. Are you good or bad? Shameful/shameless? good/bad daugther/friend? It eats you up. Any shred of character i may have once possessed is now torn and tattered and scattered and littered and left for dead. I don't even know who I am anymore. A shell. An empty being. I skipped cheerleading today. I felt like today was a day of mourning. So i don't really have a very solid reason for skipping. Maybe i've lost my love for it, like i have for all the other things in my life. All those, those were fads, I told my parents. Cheerleading's the real deal. Maybe it isn't now. Maybe it never was, maybe i just wanted it to be. Tuesday, July 26, 2011
endeavors I lied. That's the problem with me. I get sucked back into things i claim to abandon. This blog is the perfect example. Maybe this is an onset of an anxiety disorder, like i need to be doing something on the internet in order to maintain my sanity. perhaps it is reflective of my life no matter who i try to abandon, who i try to forget, they always come back. in some form or other. but presumably this is also because singapore is so darn small that everybody knows everybody. Or at least you know the second cousins of somebody else. and right now i cant even find a suitably gif to express how i'm feeling. Friday, July 22, 2011
get me on the floor this space is neglected, unloved, uncared for. but its a sanctuary. A safe place. Where hardly any people come by unless they enjoy blog hopping which frankly, gets to be very tiring after a while. the o levels are drawing nearer and i'm feeling the pressure. the pressure to perform, to excel to get 7a1s or be a disgrace to family (just kidding my family would never disown me if i didn't get 7A1s... they'd probably just love me a little less). passivity is what keeps me going knowing that the world is slowing and people aren't so conscientious of EVERYTHING anymore. i like that. in the meantime, i'm moving semi-permanently to http://sehrarh.tumblr.com so you can feel free to get lost in a jumble of pictures and quotes and the random daily insert of my anxieties. That is, however, provided you enjoy how i spend my time on the internet. Saturday, July 2, 2011
slowly it only took 3 years to get 100 posts none of which have any actual depth to it, tbh. am i/are we fine? |
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But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay |
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